Leadership and Power revisited
True leaders know when to be tender or tough to bring out the best in people.
Denise Gibbons
Two weeks ago, I asked questions about what Leadership and Power are in the 21st century and how can women be allowed to find an equal place within these concepts.
One of the responses I had was that the Australian Institute of Company Directors course for Directors emphasised that Directors need to develop the qualities of Emotional Intelligence, Collaborative and Collective Decision Making, Influencing, Guiding and Mentoring. The question was that these are soft skills that most women do innately so why are the business cultures still so blokey?
I had another question along similar lines –Why aren’t our organisations cultures changing?
One friend observed that women are champions of compromise and negotiation and she wished these skills and the value base from which they arise, were more highly prized and that these dominated peace talks in the Middle East. She went on to say less bombastic antics and more bridges to connect and buoyancy to support others! I couldn’t agree more.
Harvard Research shows that women rank slightly higher than men at relationship building. The research shows that organisations that adopt the softer skills and allow more women into senior leadership positions are more profitable and sustainable.
So, why aren’t our organisations cultures changing and why isn’t gender equity happening faster?
My observation is that it is not easy to make cultural change.
As humans, we are not innately emotionally intelligent. We are not innately collaborative and collective. We prefer to protect our own patch. The smarter part of our brain is tiny – 3 business cards thick.
Perhaps women are ranked slightly higher than men at relationship building because we have traditionally been the care-givers of children. We have learnt how to be tender and tough for this important task.
It is much easy to power over someone and demand that they do something and don’t ask questions. It takes time and effort to be tender and empathetic. It takes time to negotiate and guide and inspire and mentor. It takes time to learn to be emotionally intelligent.
My daughter has Attention Deficit Disorder. She was diagnosed with this when she was 8 years old. It was the reason why she was struggling at school. The medical answer at the time was to prescribe a drug called retinol. I researched this and was horrified of the long-term consequences for my daughter.
Fortunately, I had a progressive paediatrician who suggested I speak to a dietitian and look at my daughter’s diet first. This dietitian informed me that usually it was fruit and some vegetables that were the main culprit for triggering an ADD episode. After I had picked my jaw up from the floor, I kept thinking that this couldn’t be right. I thought all good parent’s fed their children fruit and vegetables for good health.
I know you are probably thinking that it is the sugar in fruit, but it isn’t. It is the salicylate which is present in some plants and is the chemical that is in aspirin.
My former husband and I decided we would explore the diet approach for our daughter before considering the drug option.
This was truly a lesson in how to be tender and tough. Negotiating with an ADD child that she was not allowed to eat her favourite foods – tomato sauce, vegemite, sultanas, soy sauce, fruit juice and much more – for a six-week period was hell.
I needed my daughter to own this process because this condition was her future and she needed to understand how she was going to manage this long-term.
I needed my daughter to understand how she felt and what emotions she experienced when she had an ADD episode. Again, not easy for an 8-year-old child. I wanted my daughter to be able to manage her emotions so that she could function in a busy, noisy and distracting classroom at school.
I discovered that the more time I spent with her talking and finding out what she was experiencing the more easily she accepted the process. I had to be tender about her discomfort and confusion when she was out of sorts with the world. I also needed to be tough to ensure that she stuck with the program.
If my former husband or I were too tough and adopted a no-win approach, then my daughter’s response was total resistance or even defiance.
The pain and trauma for parents and child of this process did pay-off. It was like having a different child in our home. She became much calmer and thankfully more organised. No more constant nagging was required from me to get her to school in the morning and she would remember what was needed for the day. Her school work improved, and her confidence grew.
One of the added benefits for my daughter to this day is that she is very aware of what is happening for her emotionally and physically. Also, she hasn’t had to take any drugs – a big plus.
This life story could easily translate into any leadership change process for any organisation. This life story shows the time and effort required to guide and inspire someone to make an important change in their life. Yes, I know the example is about a child and one would expect a quicker outcome with an adult, maybe.
The process for cultural change is the same – time, effort, listening, empathising and being tender and tough. Perhaps the time is right for us to try this formula with leadership and power. Let ‘s draw from both male and female energies to help all of us have a fairer, kinder and more joyful world.
Again, appreciate any comments or thoughts about what I have written.
Next Women’s Empowerment and Leadership Program is 5th and 6th July 2018. Please contact me if you are interested.
